A Long Silence & My Explaination For It

I used this because it's Leighton
(& because it's Blair Waldorf & everyone loves Queen B).

Let me start out with the sincerest form of "I am sorry" you will ever hear. I'm not saying I'm sorry to you of course. If you are still around, if you're still reading this then I doubt you care really. I'm saying that I am sorry to myself and to my blog. Mostly my blog.

Let me just say that since the 4th of July (which was my last post, before yesterday's of course) it has been a weird kind of thing for me. I have been struggling, there have been a lot of health issues and to top it off I've just been outright lazy.

Let's start out with struggling. I've never been unemployed for this length of time. I've been working since I was 15. In ten years I've been unemployed for maybe a cumulative total of a month. I've never been so dependent on anyone. I don't like it. It has made me depressed. When I started this blog, with it's two weekly columns I had a steady job with a steady income. I was secure. But I moved and California is less forgiving than anywhere else except maybe New York City. The jobs are few and far between and expectations are higher than they should be really. I had a job for a few months and the company went under and I was let go.

The anatomy chapter kicked everyone's ass.
This was the online test for studying.
Luckily, it ended up being open book in real life.

So then I went to Cosmetology school. I've always wanted to do it, I have a vested interest in hair and make up (obviously) and it was a good move. But its kept me busy and way too busy to get even a part time job apparently. I applied but because my hours are so limited they wouldn't take me for even seasonal work. That angered me.

The other reason I couldn't get a job was in July my mom had a heart attack. I'd never been so scared in my life. We thought it was anxiety. She'd been having some problems with the bottle. My mom was addicted to cocaine in the early years of my life. She went to jail, learned the error of her ways and has been clean ever since but alcohol is legal. She can't go to jail for drinking but it can kill her. She got into a fight with my Grams and we thought she was having an anxiety attack. She takes meds for it but it doesn't always help. After we got home and just before bed when she was still feeling sharp pains she decided she needed to go to the Hospital. When the doctor said heart attack my whole world tipped on its axis and spun backwards. The wind was knocked from my lungs and if I wasn't already sitting I would have fallen over. It sounds dramatic but until you're knocked off your feet by news that you never expected you don't really see things as they are. It's like going to the doctor one day for a full body check up, they do a bunch of tests and declare you healthy and the next day you feel a sharp pain, go to the doctor and they tell you its cancer that wasn't there yesterday. You feel safe and secure and then you're not. When they took my mom for tests I lost it. The nurses had to ask me if I was ok, if I needed anything. You know what I asked for? A hug. It was weird for me to request it. Not just because I hate hugs but because they meant water or a box of tissues. I just wanted to be held. But I couldn't ask me mom because she was gone and really she was dealing with enough she couldn't know that I was reeling from this.



It was my worst fear realized. First my dad and then my mom. Before I even had the opportunity to do anything. I was instantly reminded that all the things my dad was missing out on would soon be things my mom would miss getting to have with me. It wasn't fair. So once she recovered I made a doubled effort to be with her.

Then just after my birthday the stomach pains I'd been having became severe enough to keep me from school. In fact they almost killed me. You see I'd developed gallstones. I went to an Urgent Care center, spent $80 for them to tell me I needed an ultrasound. The ultrasound was $200 cash. So I'd spent $280 for them to tell me I had gallstones but couldn't do anything because my gallbladder wasn't infected and they only removed them if they were infected. They gave me a prescription for meds that were supposed to minimize or dissolve the gallstones. 12 hours later my urine was brown and I was calling the urgent care center I went to and asked if this was a side effect of the medication. They never called me back.  At 3 am, I wake up and I am puking black and yellow like a Wiz Kalifa song and I wake my mom up and tell her it's time to go to the ER. She wanted me to go when we were picking up my Rx at Walgreens and I was doubled over, crying because of the stones.

This was my BFF in the hospital

I get admitted quickly, they try to take blood and by try I mean they stuck me 9 times because they couldn't find my veins and blew out the few they could find. They discovered I had pancreatitis and my liver was shutting down because a gallstone got out of my gallbladder and lodged itself into the duct of my pancreas. My liver and pancreas were secreting bile to dissolve the stone but really it was just poisoning me. They said if I had waited much longer I would have died. I wasn't allowed to eat at all until the surgery because they needed my pancreas to stop being so inflamed so they could operate. That was awful. I love food and they were keeping me from it. I was on my period and craving chocolate. So I went into the hospital on a monday, they scheduled surgery for that Thursday.
The surgery was a fuckstorm if ever there was one. First, they came and got me early and NO ONE was there. I called my mom frantic because I didn't want her to show up to my room and me not be there, especially after having a heart attack. We waited for 3 hours for them to take me when the surgeon comes in and goes "they won't give me a time and I have other things to do so I am rescheduling your surgery for Saturday at 6am."

I freaked out. I read into "I have other things to do" as in "I have BETTER things to do" and I flipped out. They had to sedate me. I was literally screaming for them to get it out of me, use a butter knife and a table from the cafeteria and cut it out. I told them I didn't even care if they knocked me out for it because anything had to be better than what I was going through. Not eating, not sleeping and for a week. I'd done that before and I knew what would happen. I hadn't eaten or kept anything down for an entire week. I hadn't showered because I couldn't get my IV wet. My hair was gross, I felt gross and I slept only when drug induced. I also don't have health insurance so that was two more days, plus a day of recovery. I didn't want that at all.

gruesome tummy staples

They ended up doing it the next day and I was out by that Saturday but I was forced to take a leave of absence from school and though I didn't need 3 weeks off, for the first week after I was winded simply by going from my bed to the toilet. I couldn't shop even though I wanted to because I couldn't walk around so going to get groceries was out. I still can't eat certain things because otherwise I spend the whole day shitting my brains out. I walk around with not just Midol and Excedrine Migraine but Imodium A.D now. Ridiculous.

So while I'm recovering from that and back in school some other family has health issues and it seems that between October and November there is a health reprieve. Until Christmas. That's when my Grams has a heart attack.  She thought she was having an asthma attack. She couldn't breathe. Get to the hospital and they do the same thing to my mom as was done to me. They pull the rug right out from underneath us and say the words "heart attack." Though this time we know the drill. We know what questions to ask.What are her heart enzymes at. 1.9 (the ideal is 0.0 obviously). So though not as major as my mom's was (her was 5.8), it was still life threatening. You see my mom's was from stress. There was no blockage. Her heart expanded and almost exploded and the muscles have been weakened as a result. My Grams had 3 veins blocked in her left atrium and they were 95% blocked. They couldn't put in stints because they were at a crossroads so putting a stint in any one of them would have blocked the others. How annoying right? She's much better now but that ruined our Christmas and our New Years. For us it is just another day but those days mean something to my Grams who is extremely religious and never misses Christmas Mass. She had surprise plans for my mom and her boyfriend and my uncle who came to stay to go see this play and have dinner, ect. So she was upset about that. Now she's worried about being a burden.

But you see, this is why I need this blog. Why I need to be writing. Writing is who I am. It has been since I was a girl and first discovered the beauty in the written word. The beauty in getting lost in my own head and then coming out of it long enough to write it all down and revisit it. I need to be writing whether its my novels or this blog. I have been so lost these last 6 months. I've been lost without you. I don't want to get that lost again. So don't let me. Don't let me leave you guys ever again.

Manic Monday Sans Hair Tutorial

Ok so I know there was supposed to be a hair tutorial today, however I have some rather exciting news! If you didn't watch my video from the weekend where I essentially had a mental break down (don't worry I'm over it already) then you didn't hear. If you did watch it, thanks, but you already know what is coming.

I AM STARTING COSMETOLOGY SCHOOL TOMORROW!

As you can tell I'm uber duber excited about it. I should have done this forever ago. I actually started once. I was accepted, has a small scholarship and everything and then I moved to California and the school, even though they had one in LA, they wouldn't transfer the scholarship and I would have had to reapply. Then it was too far of a drive, yada yada. So I never went. I did my traditional blah blah blah and now 5 years later I'm finally doing it. So I want to wait and kind of use Make Up Monday's to impart on you the wisdom of what I am learning in school.

I have to wear all black, which you'd think wouldn't be an issue for me because I basically look like I am going to a funeral all the time. I raided Lydia Deets' closet ok? But seriously I have to go out and buy pants and shirts because I have actually toned down my black as of late. Literally, I've made a joint effort to not buy black clothing and now it is biting me in the ass. They will give me one school shirt and a smock to wear but that's it. So basically I am going to be wearing nothing but leggings for the next year. WOO!

So yeah basically I've spent the weekend combing my mom's closet and my gram even tried to get me to wear some of her "old lady clothes" but I ended up going to Kohl's because my grams had a ton of coupons and they had their Father's Day Sale so t-shirts were like $6 a piece and I got one pair of workout pants that were black. I figured they'd be comfy and I would get double use out of them later. I'm super annoyed because I asked if I could wear tights and shorts and they guy had no clue but he was like "shorts, dresses or skirts have to come below the knee." So I asked if I wore opaque black tights under it would that be ok and he kind of studdered like he didn't know. So I'm going to wear black tights with black shorts and a black shirt and be like "what up, is this cool?" He also said no heels. Heels? Really? You think I'm going to stand on my feet for 6+ hours doing hair in heels. You are joking right? I had a good chuckle over that.

I also already made a friend. Granted she's almost done with her program but she saw me come back multiple days and introduced herself and said she would introduce me to more people tomorrow. I have been dying all week with excitement and I'm so glad it is finally here. I'll only be going from 8:30-2:30 T-S with my weekend being Sun/Mon, which is perfect for me. I can still do Family Day on Sunday and then I have a weekday to do like doctor appointments or whatever. That schedule allows me to go 30 hours a week and still hold a part time job. Woo!

What have you put off that you've always wanted to do?

Do you think you'll ever do it? Why did you put it off?

Wine Tasting in Santa Ynez

On Tuesday my mom, my grams and I went on a little trip up the California coast and went wine tasting at the Gainey winery and then went onto Chumash Casino (it was dreadful) and after that we stopped for some picture taking in Solvang. My grams lives in a gated elderly community and they do these outings every once in a while and my mom and I like to go with my grams because whenever my grams wants to do something we humor her. As she puts it, "I'm old. I have to do it while I'm able! Since Louie passed I can do some of the things we wanted to do but couldn't do and I want to do it before I can't!"

The Gainey vineyards were spectacular. They were established in 1984 (so not much older than myself) and are completely family owned. We were given a tour, followed by a tasting and we spent about an hour and bought one bottle of their delicious wine.

Customer Service Blues

I'm not sure how many of you check reviews on services or items (like on Amazon) but I think since you might often come here for my reviews on make up that you might like to be warned about something that I experienced with a company I was a long time customer of and am no longer willing to do business with.

I don't know how many of you have ever worked in Customer Service but it really is a thankless, shitty job. You get maybe one or two really nice people but those are never the ones that stick with you. You can be the happiest, bubbliest person in the best mood ever and one grumpy cat is sure to send you to your lunch break crying in your oatmeal. When I worked in retail if someone came up to me and said "I need to speak to your manager," I always smiled, asked what it was in regards to and then happily turned them over. Even if it was my fault and I knew this person was going to tear my manager a new one because of me I never hesitated.

I used 1and1.com for the last, I don't even know, 3 or 4 years? I've never had an issue until now.  I discovered yesterday that my domain was not working. It kept continually saying that it could not reach the server. I knew blogger was working so I tried to log into my account to check what was wrong with my domain or see if 1&1 was having problems. I had to e-mail tech support because I also could not log into my account.


I am first informed that my account has been deleted, due to non-payment. My billing and my contact information has not changed since my renewal last year. I never received notification that my renewal date was near. That is mostly my fault because I am supposed to keep track of that shit even though I never do I rely heavily on e-mails to remind me. I never received a renewal e-mail.  No big deal I'll just pay the renewal now and in an hour or two everything will be golden. Right?

Wrongo! I'm going to quote the rest of the e-mail now:

"Regarding your domain, if you wish to activate it, transferring the domain from inactive account to an active account is no longer an option because of the status of your account. However, you can transfer your domain from 1&1 to other registrar. We have sent you the authorization code of your domain to be able to transfer it away."

RUDE!

So let me get this straight; you'd rather me take my business elsewhere than just renew my domain and get it working? I immediately respond to this bullshit e-mail asking for the authorization code and definitely point out that you should never as a business tell your customer to go elsewhere (most businesses like to retain their customers) no matter how nicely you put it that is still insulting, not to mention a bad business practice. They reply with instructions to contact billing support.

So I call billing, try to explain the situation and am immediately cut off and transferred to tech support, who then try to connect me back to billing. I finally land back at tech support somehow and explain to the rep if I get transferred one more time I'm going to flip out. I get e-mails telling me to contact this department and that department and then I get transferred like a ping pong ball back and forth on the phone I was just over it.  I don't know why, I blame it on my horrid morning but this whole ordeal stressed me out so bad I cried. I'm trying to keep it together on the phone but I'm sniffling and know I sound all nasal so after a bit the guy was just like I just e-mailed you the authorization code and I think I waited like 20-30 minutes and I still didn't get it so then I ask if I can speak to a supervisor.

He gives me the run-around. I worked in retail dude, I know the supervisors are busy and they don't have time for this but they have to make time; it's part of their job and if everyone else had done their correctly I wouldn't be bothering them. He kept stalling and stalling and then told me I had to e-mail someone but I was firm and polite as I could be and kept insisting that I speak to someone.

NEVER ONCE DID I YELL. 

I DID NOT THROW A FIT LIKE I AM FIVE YEARS OLD.

I want to stress that those are not how you get someone to help you. Ever. You don't stomp your foot, or yell and cause a big scene (we were on the phone so they only ones amused would be my cats but I've seen this countless times in the stores I've worked at) because that gets you nowhere but barred from the store (yes they can do that).

Finally I got to talk to a supervisor, after about 20 minutes on hold and I tried to calmly explain the whole ordeal from yesterday to what I experienced today and let him know that it wasn't ok and that someone who in charge of the structure of their company needs to review their policy.

FYI: I was told by the supervisor that my case would be escalated as an apology and it has now been 2 hours and I still haven't received that e-mail with my authorization code so I can transfer my domain.

Five points to your house if you know where this is from.

This isn't the first time I have come a crossed this. I had a similar issue with AT&T but theirs was more a money issue. They wanted to charge me $500 to turn my cellphone back on after I lost my job and had it as a suspended line instead of the $300 it was to cancel my contract. I took the cheaper route obviously. I wasn't going to pay more to be a customer, I didn't like them that much.

Moral of the story; if a company treats you like you are a dime a dozen take your business elsewhere!

Have you had a similar bad customer service experience? 

Where was it? What happened?

Thrifty Thursday: Thrifting in Iowa

One thing that I love about Iowa? Antiques. They are everywhere and they have auctions all the time and you can find some really neat things. My Gram's cousin took us to Pappy's in Newton. I collect Fiesta dishes thanks to my Grams and so whenever I go into a thrift store I look for them. I got some bowls in a color that I didn't have before and that was awesome. Here are a few interesting things I found.

I never got a picture of the outside so I got this off Google

Picture from third level to second and then fourth level. Crazy!

These are all pencil sharpeners

What looks like the OG Holy Bible - LOL.

Handmade and handmade packaging - Lye Soap

Stay Puff

Cool pipes

I like old books

I don't think I would drink any of that beer if I were you!

Vinyl

My Grams insisted on a picture of the "speakeasy" next door.

After we left the thrifting area we HAD to go get some blue cheese from my grams favorite place. She special orders this stuff and has it sent to her because she won't eat anything else.

I guess that is it for my family reunion era posts! Time to get out there and take pictures of something original? Nah!

Do you like going thrifting?

Do you collect anything?

Real Talk: Eating Disorders

I mentioned earlier this week that I would be writing a blog about something personal and dear to my heart. This is that blog. This is hard for me. I am typically open and honest and while I have no qualms about sharing my bits I do typically worry about sharing things that involve other people.

My family reunion was last week. One of my favorite people on the planet is my cousin Krissy. She's two years younger than me and between the years of 5 and 10 she was my best friend, my shadow and my surrogate sister. I protected her from bullies (while often bullying her myself), splashed around in mud puddles and shared in a horrible asthma attack and illness that almost killed both of us thanks to liking lilacs  little too much and realizing way too late that we were both allergic to them. But when I turned 10 my family moved away and we somehow lost touch with each other. It wasn't as easy as it is now to stay in contact when you are hundreds of miles apart. Computers and cellphones weren't available to anyone who wasn't super wealthy and even then it wasn't something people cared about. There were land lines but we didn't use them much and that can't make up for times spent in the outdoors pretending to be indians hiding from the White People (a.k.a our parents) who were going to take us away from each other.

Maybe if I had been there to be her rock I could have stopped this from happening. Maybe I could have been the one to save her even though I was going through my own problems. I was always the strong one and maybe this is where my intense need to protect other people comes from; I always protected her. These thoughts are irrational; I know it and yet I am still thinking of them. You can't stop someone from becoming bulimic or having an eating disorder. Just like how you cannot cure them. It is unfortunate but true. Once someone develops an eating disorder it stays with them.

Family Reunion + Tornado = Typical Iowa

A lot of these people I haven't seen in 13 + Years. My favorite cousin Krissy and I remarked on how we saw each other twice in one year and before that hadn't seen each other in 12 years. They visited us, now we saw them and it's their turn to come back here. Some of my cousin's children I hadn't met before or I had but they were so tiny that it didn't matter because they didn't know me. Like my cousin Amanda's daughter M'Kayla. I used to change her diaper and now she's a teenager! Somehow we ended up with me giving her "the Talk" because she said her mom didn't think it was the right time since she didn't have a boyfriend. Yeah, that shit does not fly with me sober or drunk. Anyways, my camera got passed around. I know this because there are a lot of pictures of people's feet and half their face or some weird shit.

Someone liked the fire...

Weekend Travels

In lou of a Wednesday Want List I am going to be sharing, I mean bragging about my ability to stuff a ton of shit into a backpack for a weekend.

Seriously, I will get pretty much the same amount of things in this polyvore, if not more into your standard backpack. I am pro at being a typical girl and needing a lot of shit but not needing 50 million suitcases. Especially now that even checking one bag costs you $40-$50 depending on the airline. It's ridiculous. So carry on my friends.

Anyways, I am going to a family reunion this weekend in Iowa. It's for my grams really. She has a bajillion great-grandkids she's never seen or met so we figured we might want to introduce her to them since some of them are old enough to remember her if she passes... I think her oldest great-grandchild is 9 or 10. So my mom, her husband and my grams are currently driving from California to Iowa and since I have a job I get to fly and take care off all the animals while they are gone. :/ I'm going nuts. Two dogs, two cats, a bird and 3 lizards. I mean really, are we starting Noah's Ark again? Sheesh!

I'll be sharing pictures of the adventure next week though so look out for that. Also, WWL will go back to normal. Boo!

Do you ever check bags?

 Have you ever had a family reunion / huge get together?

Photography Adventure: The Madonna Tree

I'm not very religious. So whenever someone says there is a picture of Jesus charred into their toast or someone experienced stigmata I kind of scoff. Last week was no different. My grandma is very Catholic, so whenever something happens like the Pope stepping down or someone see's the Virgin Mary in their wine glass she starts preaching.  Usually I tune her out but this time I decided to listen.

She was intrigued by this tree that we have near us that is known as The Madonna Tree. About 5 miles from where I live on Sierra Highway in Santa Clarita is a sycamore tree was partially burned during one of Southern California's notorious wildfires. Supposedly in the half charred part of the tree some people can see Madonna. No I'm not talking the pop star. I am talking about the Virgin Mary A.K.A Jesus Mama. Not one to pass up a photo opportunity I tagged along to go see this spectacular tree.

Meet Sh-Amy.

So since dating didn't go as I'd hoped it would I've resorted to becoming a full-fledges spinster cat lady. So I present to you the two newest members of my family: Dr. Sheldon Cooper & Dr. Amy Farah Fowler.

Amy (left) & Sheldon (right)

Sheldon

How cute right?

Am I boring you Amy?

Look at those eyes. Can't quite tell if they are going to be blue or green yet.

Amy is very feisty and very mouthy.

Well now that's a great face! ;)

Sheldon may look a little shy but he's really a big bully.

I had to dunk Amy's leg in the sink. She peed on me, my covers, the bed and herself :/
Hence the sheet change but the potty training is coming along.

The names might sound familiar to you if you watch The Big Bang Theory as my mother and I named them after two of the character's from the show. Did I do you proud Chuck Lorre or what? I actually might change the name of mine (Sheldon) to Zazzles if it turns out to be a girl. I think of thing it might be but then again I could always just call it "Shelly" as Sheldon's mom calls him Shelly.

Do you have cats?
What kind of animals do you have?

My Dating Experiences Explained by Beyonce

Guys, ring the alarm - I've become a serial dater. I signed up at a particular dating website and I have been on a date three weekends in a row now. That's ridiculous. I've never been on so many dates in my life. I wish that I could say that it was easy and I found someone and my life is perfect. But the reality is dating is shitty and I've been having weird experiences. Let me have B explain it to you because I can't put it into words. Well, ok I can but she's just so beautiful....

The first date I went on was awful. Just plain awful. I cried before hand because I was freaking out. I missed my ex and I found out a little while before he unfriended me on facebook. I know, how juvenile but it was hurtful. He didn't do it when we stopped talking, he didn't do it when I moved to FL, he didn't do it when I told him I was moving back and he didn't even do it right after I moved back. He waited like 2 almost 3 months AFTER I moved back and after I tried talking to him. That was hurtful. I asked him for an explanation and he has ignored me. I decided the best way to move on was to date.

So I agreed to go see a guy I had talked to for a day. He took me to a movie and to a theater where I had memories with the ex and he talked a lot, made me hug him AND THEN... wait for it... he put his hand on my leg.  I was rigid with terror the whole time. I've expressed my loathing for strangers to touch me to you guys right? My hatred of hugs? No. Dear God, let me just say this - you know how you wouldn't want someone you know to touch your, erm, private parts? Yeah that's how I feel about my whole body. You don't know me or you barely know me - why are you touching me? I know I could have told him to move his hand but I thought "no, try and get used to it." I never did. It was awful. The hug at the end was awful. I hugged him twice and that was dumb.

When he text me right after he was like "you didn't seem to be into me." I didn't tell him he was way too clingy. He texted me every second of the one day we were in communication and if I didn't answer in a timely fashion I got "?" texts until I answered - basically every 5 minutes. It was awful. So I was polite (I thought) and said "If I am being honest. I wasn't. I'm sorry." and he replied with "ok good you're boring. Have a nice life." I couldn't even dignify that with a response.

Date two was a lot more interesting. I was excited, no break downs. He seemed perfect. But it was too good to be true. The date went ok. It started out bad. I actually almost got sick and had to leave. The place was so hot and we were sitting there and all of a sudden I got sharp excruciating pains in my stomach and I started shaking and sweating. So I went outside into the cold air to cool off and then after like 5 minutes I felt better. So I went back inside and asked if we could move to the patio. I felt so bad. We joked about it but the waitress was so nice. So we basically stayed until they kicked us out at midnight (they closed at 10) but because we tipped really good for their excellent service I think they let us stay until we wanted to leave. We just spent so much time talking and it was good.
But as the days went by he became too clingy and way too handsy and I just wasn't ready. When I tried to talk to him about it he literally just said "this is who I am and I'm not changing" when I asked him if he could try to stop being so needy I could try to deal with it. Because I can't handle clingy, needy people. I can't. I need my space. I don't want to talk to you every second of every day and I can't be with you every second of every day. I can't. I work, I have my family, I just can't.

But what that said to me was "I refuse to compromise" and if he wouldn't compromise on something like that what else wouldn't he compromise on? He wouldn't even try to make an effort. That's a deal breaker. I have put down rules. I refuse to be the only person to sacrifice anything, to continually give and take IOU's and then never actually get anything back. I am so done with that.

Then tonight I went out again. Boy, what a waste of hair and make up. I think I looked really good tonight. I spent an hour curling my hair. My eyeliner looked perfect and so did my eye brows and I tried out a new shade of lipstick that looked really cute and my dress was comfy and I looked cute.

 But it was like we were just friends and he spent more time on his phone and watching the soccer game on the TV behind me than he did participating in conversation with me. Then on the way home he sprung that "what do you want in a guy" question on me. Why? So you can pretend to be everything I am looking for regardless if that's you or not? Then he asked if I was talking to other guys. Well, yes I am. I'm not in a relationship. I'm not sleeping around and even if I was it isn't his business because I wasn't going to sleep with him. Those questions are so awkward for a first date. It was just blah.

I have a few friends who are actively interested in my dating escapades. Mainly because I'm usually the single girl. I've never really had a boyfriend, just casual relationships and I've never been extremely interested in relationships. I'm actually putting forth an effort this time and I think that surprises people.

Honestly I am only doing this for curiosity. Everyone I know is either in a relationship, has children or is pregnant and/or is married or engaged. I don't know  a whole lot of people who are single with no kids anymore. I'm almost 25 and I've never had a real relationship? Am I missing a gene or something that everyone else seems to be born with? I also want kids but always told myself to be smart. Have a job, a car, a house and be self-sustained before I have kids. That has always been my plan and now I'm not producing eggs, my body is literally throwing a wrench in all my plans. If I wanted kids I should have had them at 17,18,19 or 20. Now it's basically too late. I tried to do the responsible thing and it back fired on me. It's not fair.

So this is my experiment in dating. I'm finding that it's maddening. I can't understand how people enjoy this. But like I told my friend, I have to keep trying. She quit after one date and I told her she had to be open to receive love because it is out there. We go after the love we think we deserve and by her not dating she's trying to say she doesn't deserve love. This girl is brilliant, funny and one of the best people I know of course she deserves to be loved. Everyone does, that's the beauty of it!

So basically what I am telling you is, go out there if you're single and have some fun. Meet some new people and see where life takes you. It won't be easy but nothing in life worth having comes easy. That is what makes it so great when it works and it's right. You appreciate your Prince more when you think back on how many toads you had to kiss before he magically appeared.

Are you single or taken?
If you're single how do you weed out the crazies?
If you're taken, how'd you meet your significant other?

A Day With My Grams

I've been neglecting my blog this week. I'd say I am sorry but I'm not. A week ago today my Grams had a fatty tumor removed from her leg. It was causing her some pain when she walked and since she's already had a tumor on her pancreas, we decided to not take any chances. The doctor who preformed the same surgery on her pancreas removed it in just over an hour and she was able to walk and there's only a tiny slit on her leg. No major issues thus far.

4 Generations of women under my Grams
Left to Right: Grams, My step-niece Sierra, My Sister Roxanne, My mom, My niece Hailey, Me.

Today I just hung out with my grandma. We went to the store to get a few things she was missing but other than that we literally just sat around and watched TV and talked. These are my favorite days. I don't have many of them left. At any minute one of our lives or even both could end. If that happens I'll never get the time back that I should have spent with her.

We talked about so much. I asked her about how she met my mom's dad, whom I never met. He died when I was 7 years old and he lived in California my whole life and never came to visit and we never had the money to visit him. He left my mom when he and my Grams divorced when my mom was 10 years old. I'm not sure what went on throughout their marriage. I know he was a serial cheater, in the air force and ended up marrying a woman of Thai decent named Vee-lie (I spelled it like it sounds because I have no clue as to spelling but that's what it sounds like when my mom talks of her) after he and my grandma divorced. I don't know what took him to California or why he never visited my mom or my 2 uncles who lived in the mid-west near us. My oldest uncle lived in California near him for a very long time.

She told me that she knew his sister and couldn't remember much else except that he was persistent and a very good dancer. Then she told me what I already know, never trust a man who can dance. It made me smile. She also told me that he was every where. Her example, if she was shopping at a department store he would somehow show up. I laughed and told her that he stalked her. We both had a laugh at that. So I asked why she married him because he was an atheist and she is Catholic so it couldn't have been religious based (she lamented that they didn't marry in a church) but she said that she probably only married him because her dad didn't approve. She said he didn't come to the wedding and that he said it wouldn't last more than a year (they had only known each other 6 months before they were married) and she said that she only stayed with him as long as she did to prove her father wrong. SO THAT'S WHERE I GET IT FROM!

Then we talked of her second husband and of course my Gramps. We talked about sex and psychology as it relates to mental illness in the elderly and about the Catholic church, with the Papal whatever going on and I explained to her my issues with being Catholic and organized religion and everything I've learned and my beliefs and I talked of mythology and paganism and the Bible and God. It's nice to talk with my grams about these things. Some people are so closed off, so closed minded, especially the elderly. They are set in their ways, in their beliefs and so stubborn but my grams has taken great pains to accept me, all of me for who I am and what I like and believe in even if she doesn't agree with it. I remember her freaking out about my pink hair when I was 14 and how she didn't want to take me anywhere because she didn't want to be seen with me. Now she just rolls her eyes and says "oh good God" when I'm wearing something she finds distasteful.

I'm grateful to have these kinds of relationships and a woman as special as her in my life. People don't get to pick their family members. Sure, they can reject them but it doesn't change that they are related. It doesn't change that 1/8th of my DNA comes from this woman. I wouldn't have it any other way even if I could. She's strong and emotional, she's compassionate and forgiving, selecting yet generous and caring, loving yet a formidable woman if you cross her. I get all of these things from her. It is an absolute joy to be her granddaughter and a prevliedge to sit down and hear her stories.

My Gramps, eating pudding and laughing about a year before he passed.

If you have any living grandparents, PLEASE, talk to them. Ask them where they were when JFK was shot, when MLK was shot (grams doesn't remember MLK, when JFK was assassinated my grams was working as a nurse in a hospital in Omaha), what they thought of Neil Armstrong and him walking on the moon (Grams watched it on the new TV she bought). Ask how they met your grandma/grandpa, ask whats the worst thing your parent ever did as a child, find out what stories they have to tell. I asked my gram one time about what it was like in America in WWII. She lived on a farm in Missouri and her first husband joined the Air Force after they were married in 1946 so thankfully he was never involved in that, though they were stationed in Spain in late 1959 (right after my mom was born) and stayed there until my mom was 6 years old. My mom's first language was Spanish. She came to America, Michigan specifically, and only knew how to say Cookie. She grew up with a maid/nanny and wasn't used to anything in the way of American living. Poor thing.

But honestly, talk to them and find out. You may not have that much time left with them. If they don't live near you - CALL THEM. My gramps hated talking on the phone but any time I called he wanted to talk to me, even when his voice was failing him. It broke my heart but I loved that he wanted to talk to me and I only hope that it brought him joy to converse with me even momentarily.

This is why I moved back to California from Florida, even though it broke my heart to leave Princess Ivory. This is why I am here. To capture every second I can with my Grams and just bask in knowing her.

Tell me, are any of your grandparents still alive?
What's their story?

Murder Your Darlings

Hi guys, I've been a little off the path lately. I'm currently working on a 3 (?) book series about super natural beings (no name for them yet) who rid the Earth of evil (worst premise ever, but I don't want to give it away!). That evil varies from vampires to demons to whatever my wooly brain comes up with. There's also a few species I've made up.

I'm currently working on book two. I write in a funny way. I typically write the beginning first, then perhaps a middle chapter and then the ending. I do this so I can figure out how they get from the beginning to that middle, then from the middle to the end. I'm having a hard time with this book, in particular the ending because for whatever reason it's the hardest. Well, it's not for whatever reason. It's because it entails death. I can't go into too much detail only this, I am literally murdering my darlings. And by "darlings" I actually mean characters.

The phrase, murder your darlings, comes from (depending on who you talk to but I'll go with whom I was told said it) William Faulkner. It means to take the bits you think are "so good" and edit them out. When you edit your writing you're supposed to remove about 10% of the text.

With this last scene I am actually having to dig deep into my psyche. Having lost so many people you'd think I was an expert on loss and that would qualify me to write a piece. It's also in the first person narrative. These feelings the character is feeling are exactly what I feel when I lose someone, right?

No.

I push all of those horrid feelings away and put them out of my mind. I shove them off for as long as possible because who wants to feel loss or sadness or that crippling depression?  I've spent years in therapy trying to successfully manage myself while I deal with them. I envy no one that task. But writing is how I've learned to do it.

So this scene, which required me to mine every single ounce of sadness and emotion I've ever felt when someone I loved was on the cusp of death all the way to how I've felt after they passed, has been the worst and hardest I've ever written in my life. Because I've had to call upon memories and emotions I've fought to keep at bay. It's not easy and its ridiculously painful.

Unfortunately this scene I wrote will most likely be murdered. I feel it's absolutely brilliant and that means it goes. So while I have the hardest and most emotional part of the story written, it might all be for naught. That suffering I went through in digging up every aspect of emotion I have towards death might have been a waste.

What does this means for blogging? Absolutely nothing. Minus that editing tip - that shit is real. Pare it down. I just thought I'd share what I was doing. You know, while I'm not actively blogging. My writing is being used elsewhere. Sorry. Maybe someday you'll read it. Then you'll understand.

How is your weekend?

Calling All Women: R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I just experienced a run-in with an asshole. I'm talking top-shelf asshole. Literally. I am a girl of little self-esteem but of high integrity and I'd love to say that my moral fiber is of the highest quality but really it's probably mid-grade. So when a really attractive guy wants to talk to me I'm all a giggly giddy mess. Yeah, I have very little game.

Aretha sang it best, didn't she? I feel compelled to write this as a warning to every woman and every man too because men should know that this isn't how to talk to or treat a woman. The conversation went along nice but in the course of a 20 minutes I went from giggly mess to angry feminist. He asked me how my day was, what I liked to do for fun, you know the usual every day chit-chat. I told him and asked him about his. He was very short, where I was very wordy. I thought we were getting to know each other. This was apparently his idea of foreplay because he asked me for pictures. I sent him one of my face. Then he asked for a body shot. I sent him one of me, completely covered.  I had a serious internal debate about this too. As I said I have very little self-esteem. I'm not happy with my body 100% of the time. Probably not even half the time. See my article on positive body image and Kate Upton. But I achieved what I called a body image milestone on my FB, and I call that "IDGAF." Where I don't think this picture if flattering but IDGAF you either learn to love all of me or you take a hike.

So then came the literal "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" text. I told him no and he literally replied with "sorry I'm not into waiting." and I guess I didn't get it that he was saying goodbye so he literally said "No I'm not interested anymore." So I said goodnight. A.k.a TAKE A FUCKING HIKE DUDE.

I should have ripped him a new asshole. Not that he wasn't a really big one already but why make it worse? Why make me the crazy bitch in this scenario? I have self respect that's why.  For one don't waste my fucking time. I mean I am on a DATING website. Not a HOOKING UP website. Secondly, I'm 24 not 18 and even when I was 18 I NEVER sent naked pictures of myself to someone else. Who wants an apple that already has a bite taken out of it? No one. Third, I appreciate the frankness and getting to the point but if you for one second thought that I was going to send you nudes after sending you a picture of me in a sweater that fully covers everything including my chest, and jeans you are an idiot. Finally, if you want naked pictures of someone go look them up on the internet. Join a site in which hooking up is the main object. You'll find like minded people.

I know I dodged a bullet but honestly, this shit does not happen to me. Cute guys don't ask me for nudes. Cute guys don't ask me for anything really, except maybe directions. I've never been the girl who was objectified. I'm the girl who they ask for advice about dating other girls and the answer to the homework questions in science. I don't know how to deal with this. I can't even call it rejection because he didn't reject me because of my body. He rejected me because of my mind. He rejected me because I wasn't willing to lower my selfworth for his taudry entertainment.

THIS IS HOW IT SHOULD BE EVERY BODY!

No woman should put her morals aside to please anyone but herself. Once you send your naked pictures to one person the whole world has them and there is no getting them taken down or back nor is there any way to keep people from ridiculing you for it. Potential employers can see that now there is even the terror that one day, far from the time of the ordeal, your kids could find that picture of you. WOW. So this is why I've never done it. Plus, it ruins the mystery. I told said asshole this and he said he didn't like waiting. It made me feel like I was in high school and the captain of the football team took me parking and made me walk home because I wouldn't have sex with him. Again, this shit never happens to me. No wonder I don't know how to deal with this. But I think I did well.

I am writing about this because I want other girls and other women to make the same choice. Just like when someone asks you to try a drug, SAY NO TO NUDES. Say yes to dignity, integrity and self-respect. Do not be pressured into doing something you are not comfortable with to please someone else. Stand your ground, be strong and if this person cares about you or likes you even the smallest bit they will respect you. If they don't just say goodbye. Wait for someone else because someone else will come and they will respect you and they won't want to say goodbye because you stayed true to yourself.

Thanks for reading.

Memory Monday: Top 10 Memories of 2012

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Sorry, thought I'd get that out of the way since I will be hardcore jobing for the next week and probably won't have much time for blogging. I'm putting Make Up Monday on hold today for something more important - a trip down memory lane!

As I look forward into 2013 I want a few things to happen: Me to be happy at a few lbs lighter, move into an apartment and back out of my mothers (I already want to strangle myself), get a job, my blog to be more successful and to get my soap business off the ground. Pretty simple goals. I think the best year of my life was probably 2010. Nothing will ever beat meeting great people and having once in a lifetime experiences of meeting your idols so often they know your name and give you birthday shout-outs and hugs even though they know you hate them. Yeah, that's how well they got to know my friends and I. It was just magical. 2011 was only slightly less magical and ended pretty roughly for me. 2012 was worse. Maybe because I hold 2010 to such high esteem that everything else seems shitty in comparison? Well, losing your grandpa a week before you birthday will do that to you. Oi, this blog took a morbid turn pretty quick didn't it?

Top 10 of 2012:
1. Moved out of my mom's and into my own apartment for the first time.
2. Moved in with my best friend from high school.
3. Got a job I loved.
4. Watch Ivory take her first steps
5. Heard Ivory talk for the first time.
6. Discovered soaping
7. Decided to move back to California.
8. Decided to start a soap business.
9. Saw my cousin, who was like my little sister growing up, for the first time in 7 years.
10. Disneyland with my cousin.

I didn't do much this year but what I did do was spectacular. I hope everyone has a safe and fun New Years Eve and remember that from 6pm to 6am AAA will tow your car home for free even if you aren't a member so put this number in your phone in case you find yourself without a designated driver: 1-800-222-4357

SEE YOU IN 2013!
What's your favorite memory of 2012?

Adventure Time: Gem World Quartzsite, AZ

Fun Fact About Sara #438785674: I collect rocks. Not the typical ones you can find on the side of the road, although sometimes those aren't to be discounted. But I collect different types. Quartzsite, AZ is world renowned for being kind of like the Gemstone or Rock capital of the world. A lot of people come here year around, seasonally or for a festival to sell and/or buy rocks. It's really neat. Gem World is only open seasonally fro Oct 1st to April 30th. Then as the lady who helped me they all go home. This lady was from Idaho but she said they were from all over.

Camel Art?

Sometimes you can get really rare finds like Peridot, Garnet, Amethyst for good prices. My favorite stone is called Onyx. It is black (like my soul Ha Ha Ha!) and is rumored to have protective properties.

TOP: Desert Rose
BOTTOM: Malachite

I can't tell you why I like collecting them, just that I always have. I once went diving for geodes in a lake in Tennessee and when some guy was helping us move I had them in a shoe box. He picked it up and literally said, "What do you have in here? Rocks?" and I go "Yes." He looked at me like I was just some snot-nosed brat being a smartass but I told him to open it up. He had picked up my box of geodes. Then he was nicer and asked me about collecting. I get the usual questions but it's fun.

 There are shelves upon shelves in just this one warehouse and this is one of maybe hundreds in Quartzsite. Any type of stone you can think of, quartz, calcite, obsidian, howlite, ect would be found in here and in very many different forms. For example there is two ways a stone can be. Rough/Raw like the bottom right in the picture above or tumbled/polished like the stones below

Add caption

Above are tumbled cats eye that have been color treated, had a hole drilled in them and have been wired together to look like a collection of grapes. They did something similar with other stones to make a bonsai tree but I couldn't get a good picture of that.

Making grapes wasn't all these artists were good for either! Look at that cute little owl. If you followed me during my grand road trip you will have seen some of these pictures on my instagram or twitter. Like the owl, the grapes and the Camel from above. Look at the artistry in these. Someone had to find an extreme large and pretty "rock" then have the patience to carve it like mere wood and then polish it off. Then they sell them for $20. It's remarkable!

RIGHT: Obsidian Arrowheads
LEFT: Misc Mineral Arrowheads

Not to be outdone, the Native Americans are known for the arrowheads they used on the tips of their spears and well, arrows. Most of the ones you can find now are manmade but I'm sure if you go out into the desert you can find some of the naturally occurring ones. Me? I'd rather by a dozen for $3 and call it a day!

I'm still unpacking so there's really not the whole thing here but here's some of my collection:

If you know anything about gemstones then you probably know most of these and even if you don't then you might recognize the names of some.

1. Raw Yellow Calcite
2. Raw Amethyst (February's Birthstone)
3. Raw Rose Quartz
4. Tumbled Botswanna Agate
5. Black Onyx Egg
6. Raw Blue Chalcedony
7. Tumbled Rose Quartz Skull (Purchased at Gem World in Quartzsite)
8. Tumbled Turquoise
9. Tumbled Malachite
10. Tumbled Onyx
11. Rose Quartz Point
12. Tumbled Lapis Lazuli
13. Tumbled Malachite
14. White Onyx Egg (I purchased this 3 years ago from a place in Quartzsite but not sure exactly location - I wasn't even aware that white onyx existed until I found this!)
15. Crystal/Clear Quartz Point (purchased from Gem World)
16. This is either chrysocolla or chrysophase. They are two different stones (due to the mineral make up) but look ridiculously similar and I have no clue which one it actually is. Bah!
17. Tumbled Carnelian
18. Moonstone Point
19. Bloodstone (or Heliotrope as they are the same thing) Point. This one is solid green. That's hard to find. Usually they are marbled with an orange-red. Hence the name bloodstone. 
20. Smokey Quartz. The flash makes it look yellow-ish but it's actually a grey stone naturally. This one is really clear. Most of the time they are very muddy and not as pretty.
21. Tumbled Orange Chalcedony
22. Tumbled Carnelian

Natural Pearl Ring
$3 in Quartzite

I also own a lot of jewelry with gemstones in them. One of my favorite questions to be asked is "Why would you pay for a rock you can dig up yourself for free?" Well, why did you buy a diamond ring? A Diamond is a rock (and probably the most boring of them to be honest. Emeralds, Rubies and Sapphire's are actually more rare then any diamond you or I could afford). But I don't own any land with diamonds in it or believe me, I'd be digging them up for you. Same is true with a lot of the "rocks" that I like. Not only that but certain rocks are only found in certain areas. I'd love to go digging in India or China or Australia or even Mexico for rocks but that's simply not possible. So I let others do the footwork. It's much cheaper. ;)

Treated Amber Ring 
Stolen from my mother!

NOTE: I'm not doing Make Up Monday tomorrow (I already have WWL planned, no fear there!) since it's Christmas Eve and that's when my family is doing Christmas because we are going down to Redondo Beach to have Christmas dinner with my Gramp's family. It's going to be so awful to have our first Christmas without him but I'm glad the family invited us. I know that's important to my grandma since they aren't her biological family like we are. The updates for this week are going to be pretty barren given the holidays and that my family from Iowa is here. I haven't seen my cousin in 7 years. It was so ridiculous to see her as an adult, yet her personality is exactly the same. I wonder if she feels like that about me? Anyways, tons of pictures and tales of our adventures will be posted after they leave.

Would you ever collect "rocks" or gemstones?
What do you collect?