Instagram's from My Dashboard

So if you weren't aware I moved this week! I moved from just north of Tampa Florida to just North of Los Angeles, CA. The whole trip took me 3 long days and I drove in white-out rain, snow and sunshine. Florida usually pulls out all the stops whenever I try and leave it but this rain was so bad that I had to pull over twice because I couldn't see anything. I couldn't see the lanes, the side of the road or if there were cars behind me. So I pulled over to what I thought was the side of the road with my flashers on and prayed no one rear-ended me. I wasn't the only one. I let the little bursts pass and I'd get back on the road and see others pulled over or people doing 30 MPH with their flashers on. It was nuts. So I drove from my now old house all the way to the Texas border. Literally, I slept the first night at the rest stop on the state line. Then I drove from there to Lordsburg, NM and had nothing but sunshine the whole way. It was perfect. Then on day three I got up, it wasn't snowing, crossed the border into Arizona and it started blizzarding! I was like "Ok is this part of the whole Mayan apocalypse bullshit or an argument against global warning?" Then as the day went on it let up and I was fine. I got in at 5:00 PM local time but that meant I had spent 34 hours on the road. OI! That's a lot of driving.

If you follow my instagram or twitter feeds you'll have seen these but I thought I'd post them anyways!

And for a hint of what is coming this weekend:

I took a side trip and went on adventure!

For right now I'm just hanging out with my mom and my grandma. Tomorrow I'm going to visit a friend at work whom I haven't seen in almost 2 years and clean up my room. It was so weird to move my stuff back into my room. Felt like I was coming home from being away at college. LOL.

I will get back to my blogging this weekend and next week will be crazy because of the holidays and I have tons of family coming in so I'll have plenty of blogging for the new year!

What's the longest road trip you've ever taken?

The Salvador Dali Museum

So if you're leaving where you live the last thing you try to do is cram all your sight-seeing and friend visits into one day right? So I started last weekend. It was my friend Katelyn's birthday and she wanted to go to the newly remodeled Salvador Dali museum in St. Petersburg. I love Dali so this was perfect, I'd kill two birds with one stone.

You aren't allowed to take photographs inside the museum so I had to go online to find these but here are some of my favorite Salvador Dali Paintings:

Slave Market with the Disappearing Bust of Voltaire (1940)

Gala Contemplating the Mediterranean Sea, which at 20 meters becomes the portrait of Abraham Lincoln (1976)

The Persistence of Memory (1931)

And he didn't just do paintings. He made art installations and jewelry too. There's a pin that is the melting clocks from Persistence of Memory that I would die for!

I saw this at the museum and discovered next year's Halloween costume.
No idea on if I'll wear pants yet ;)
FYI - there are flies in all the shot glasses.

Katy Perry had a Banana as a phone and Juno had a hamburger phone
but before them there was Salvador Dali's Lobster Phone.
Talk about the sea calling...

I think one of the reason's Dali sticks with me is just how crazy he is as an artist. I mean, all artists whether you are a painter or a crafter or a musician or a writer, whatever your art may be, you have to be a little crazy. Think about it. Painters see things inside their head, writer's live lives that aren't there own inside their heads and musicians hear things in their heads. All of these people have to expel all these things that don't naturally occur to other people and then translate them into a tangible object or they'll do crazy. That's kind of my theory on how some people are given the OK to be crazy (like artists) and others, who can't expel these things or express their thoughts are crazy and it's not OK because they often scare people.

I just like eccentric people. I get them. I love reoccurring themes in artists works and I love that he was so into his wife but his wife basically ran him. Dali had no concept of money. He'd squander every commission he'd ever made. If it wasn't for Gala keeping him in check he never would have been able to live. Starving artist was all he would have amounted to. So yet again, behind another great man was a great woman. But he loved her enough to include her in his works, didn't care that she was basically a harlot (he supposedly encouraged her to sleep around because he was terrified of female genitalia and there is a theory that Dali was gay) and basically went insane when she died. Even though, she was apparently senile at the time and was the reason he couldn't paint in his old age because she basically drugged him so much that he shook. Kind of like Parkinson's only this was drug-induced. He died of heart failure but I say he was heart broken.

So if you want to know why I like him, know more about him than any other artist even though I don't really care for art? It's his story and lucky for those of us who are visual learners there are pictures!

 

Left to Right: April (Katelyn's Mom's GF), Katelyn's Mom, Katelyn's Sister Krista, Katelyn
Also, Duckface was the only way mine would stay in my nose!

Just some instagram lovin

I said 'Ello

WHEN YOU WISH UPON A ...TREE?

Oh and in case you were wondering how my friends and I like to party...we always try and teach someone how to do some kind of dance. Last time it was Bobby teaching someone how to Dougie. This time Bobby is trying to teach Katelyn how to gangnam style but it ends up being a little bit more of a hoe-down. WARNING: GRAPHIC LINGO.

I'd Rather Be Soaping

So as you've heard I like to make soap. Actually, I should amend that last statement I love to make soap. I've been making Melt & Pour soap for the last couple of months and when I get to California I am going to try making soap using the cold process. That way is a little more complex and uses a little bit more science (yay) well chemistry (uh I never took chemistry) and it takes longer to produce a usable bar of soap but the benefits definitely outweigh those cons.

Things needed to make soap using the Cold Process Method

For example, you chose what ingredients go into your soaps. Don't want to use animal fats? Don't use animal fats. If you like shea butter, put some shea butter in there! Want to use all natural colorants? Go ahead. I'm not saying that you can't do these things with regular melt & pour but you are restricted to the type of base you use, sometimes the colorants and you don't get to control how the glycerin is made.

But you guys are lost aren't you? Most people have no idea how to make soap or what soap even is. I just told my co-worker today that lye was used in making most soap and he was like "Lye? Time to stop using soap." Lye isn't bad you guys. It can do bad things to your skin or any kind of organic matter yes but when you make soap properly all of those bad properties vanish. That's called letting it "cure" or "curring." All that means if the bar of soap was exposed to the air for a period of time to lower the pH levels (typically 4-6 weeks).

Let me explain a bit more. Soap is made by a term called Saponification (Sap-on-if-ication). Saponification is the name for a chemical reaction between an acid and a base to form a salt. When you make soap using the cold process soap making method, you mix an oil or fat (acid) with Lye (base) to form soap (salt). 

Told you it has science (and math - ew)

You don't have to use lye either. There are so many different types of soap like glycerin soaps, animal based soaps, castile soaps and different ways to make them like melt & pour (melt glycerin and add additives), rebatch (where you make the soap, grate it and re-mold it), cold process or  hot process (which is made the same way as cold process only the cold process never gets heated up - go figure).

There's so much to get into on soaping but I'm just going over very minimal stuff that is important and well, maybe share my story and my website. 

 I discovered soap making by accident really. I live in Florida and Florida has some God-awful storms.  While babysitting my room mate's baby I was trapped in Hobby Lobby without an umbrella or anything to shield the child from the torrential downpour. I decided to wait the storm out and went up and down every isle in the store. I discovered the soap making section near the candles and I became intrigued.
Once the storm had died down I went home and immediately began researching. I watched hours of video's on How-To.... basically do everything from melt and pour, to cold process to embedding and swirling and making fun shapes with cookie cutters. It opened my artistic and creative Goddess inside to a whole new set of possibilities.

I decided to start putting these creations up for sale as a way to make some space in my apartment, LOL. I came up with the name Spellbound Soaps for my business, bought a dotcom and have actively started advertising. I chose the name because as I said, I was intrigued by the idea but more over I became enchanted, like someone placed a magical spell on me and I am now compelled to make soap. More soap, better designs, cuter names, funky ideas and incorporate all of it into soap making. I am spellbound by making soap and I hope that you will be enchanted and spellbound by them too.

Have you visited my web store yet?

http://spellbound-soaps.com

Currently: In Love With...

Loving;  I don't have much, just three blogs I'm loving. Click to be surprised and find out if it's you! 1 / 2 / 3

Reading;  I'm doing a lot of reading and researching on my soap. I'm really into all of this stuff so I'm trying to read about business and all the necessary steps into properly forming a business. So much goes into it, it's exhausting. I've never made a business plan before and some of the parts of how you come up with the numbers are so hard. Where am I supposed to find statistics on how many women shop online in a year? You'd think the government would have the stats on that but they don't.

Watching; I'm currently on Youtube watching videos about how to frost cupcakes. Sounds silly right? Well, there are these things called bath bombs or bath fizzies and I really want to make a cupcake one for Ivory. I think she'd go absolutely nuts-o over one so I'm figuring out how to ice cupcakes so that I can make a really cute one for her for Christmas.

Anticipating;  This weekend. Tomorrow is my friend Katelyn's birthday. We're going to the Salvador Dali museum tomorrow and then her party is at night. I am going to go to the museum, come home and pack and then go to her party for a bit then come back and pack... LOTS OF PACKING.

Listening to; I am on spotify, trying to make a list of everything I need to buy with my iTunes giftcard I got from a co-worker and prep for my 4 day road trip. Just me and some tunes and the open road. Yee-haw!

Planning; Moving & packing! I got some free boxes I ordered today and they are huge. Those suckers aren't going to fit in my car so I think I'm going to let Brit use them. LOL. Then I'm planning my Christmas stuffs with the fambam. I have all my girls basically coming to visit and then my family. The 28th we are all going to Disneyland so I'm super excited about that.

Working on; Soap, business plan, blogging and what I am going to do in California before the job hunt kicks up a notch.

Wishing; I wish I had money to pay for a mover and enough money to really jump-start my business. Baby steps though, baby steps.

What are you up to?

Dear Daddy: Letter 13

DOUBLE POST DAY! Today is a bitter sweet day. If you haven't heard, I announced my winner for my giveaway and contacted her.

But also because today is the 13th anniversary of my dad's death. He committed suicide when I was 11 and unfortunately I was the one who found him. Granted my mother and a police officer were with me, as the circumstances at the time were awful but I was the first one in the door, the first one to spot him and the first one to scream bloody murder. I didn't realize it at first. I just said "Oh, there's dad" and picked up my cat who ran and launched himself at me. I should have known then something was wrong. Because my dog didn't greet me and my cat did and because my dad's head didn't turn when we opened the door, because he didn't look at me.

It took my mom saying his name twice and him not moving before the hair on the back of my neck stood up and I realized something was really wrong this time. Then I saw my mom's face and the look in her eyes, the look of I can't shield you from the pain you're about to feel and I am so sorry before it truly registered. And then all hell broke loose. I didn't care who heard or who saw but I lost it. I'd never been so close to death. I heard about it and I'd read about it but I'd never truly felt it before. It was dark and it was cold and it was awful. I was in 6th grade and my school put together a group of kids to go see one of the guidance counselors. They let me take a month off of school and do my work at home, even let me stay at the school for the rest of the year even though we lost our house and I had to move out of the district. But when I got back, every wednesday for the rest of the year I went to group therapy with a bunch of different kids from school. We picked out how we were feeling from a worksheet that had different "feeling" faces with words underneath that matched the face. An angry expression for livid and a frown for depressed. Then we'd have to explain why we felt that way. Some of the activities helped. The last one we did was we wrote a letter to the person we lost and we read them allowed. We wrote them as if we spoke to the person. I still do mine every year on this day. I'm going to share this year's letter with you.

This is why I am going to school for psychology. I want to help anyone who wants it. Please, if you feel like hurting yourself - TRUST ME - I tried to kill myself 7 times and I am thankful every day that it was 7 failed attempts because I would have missed so much. It sounds so freaking cheesy and I didn't believe it myself but life does - in its own way - get better. Well, manageable at least. I promise you there are things worth waiting for. Don't be like my dad, like I tried to be, don't be so selfish and put this pain, your pain on other people. Talk to me. I will listen, I won't judge you and I will understand.

I Was Brain Washed Into Believing Aging is Awful

Wait, wait, wait... when did I become old? I thought women were supposed to start obsessing over that when they were 30 or 40 and still hadn't had kids yet? Why am I looking at anti-cellulite and anti-aging cremes?

I met sales goals in Oct so now (at the end of Nov) I am just getting my reward. $50 in e-gift certificates to bath and body works. I make soap so this is kind of like redundant. I'm up to my elbows in glycerin and scents. So I tried to buy candles but they wanted like $30 for shipping. Ha Ha NO. So I tried looking for something else and that's when I stumbled onto these things. These... anti-aging and anti-wrinkles creams. CELLULITE BE-GONE LOTION (which I purchased). But I'm like "NO! I am 24, I am going to be like Jamie Lee Curtis and age gracefully." Then I remembered this cute gem:

I just... I don't understand. I've never been of that mind and it's kind of freaking me out. I thought age was never something I would worry about. But it feels like I turned 24 and my health went down the drain.My wisdom teeth are going bananas, my hormone imbalance that I thought was gone has returned with a vengeance. I feel like every time I miss my period that I'm broken. What if some day I want kids and I can't because my reproductive organs have crapped out? I used to think having kids at a young age was stupid. I mean, I'm 24 and I still want "me time." I see being a parent as being able to sacrifice yourself for someone else and I'm not ready to do that yet. I don't know that I want kids ever actually. Ivory has taught me to rethink a lot about my life but what if I do someday? Then I've wasted what years I did have working organs for what? For my own selfish purposes and then I have to pay the price later? WTF. To top it off I have heart burn for the first time in my life and my migraines come more often than they used to and I guess that's it. I'm not feeling as well as I used to and everyone just keeps saying "that's age" or "that's what happens when you get older" and it has stuck. Subliminal messaging - I'VE BEEN BRAIN WASHED.

I mean honestly, I've been around women who are 30 and every little thing I say around them would be turned into "are you calling me old?" and I realized that it wasn't just my mother. It was a problem every woman thinks about. I guess to assume I'd be immune was naive.

This brings on an entirely new set of panic. What if, I decide some day that I want to get married? That I do believe in tying myself to someone in every way besides just emotional? Then what if I decide I want a house and to stay in one place. I mean, honestly, what else am I going to change my mind about? It is possible that I may change my mind about everything. I'm always so sure about things. I just... I'm terrified that I am making mistakes now that I'll regret later. Like, I could have taken better care of my skin before and even now to prevent myself from looking like a sharpe at 25. The problem with my female bits scares me no matter what. My mom had a really hard time with menopause, my sister had a hysterectomy before 30 and my grandma had one at 40. On my mom's side of the family everyone has problems there. I had bladder and digestive problems when I was younger and my niece had digestive problems... I just feel like maybe I need to be more open minded about certain things. C'mon my 20 something's help me out.

Am I freaking out for no reason
or
is this a legitimate phobia and I'm just tardy to the party as usual?

I Want To Date a Non-Bum For a Change

Hi guys, don't forget that you can still enter my giveaway Dec 2nd. If you have no clue as to what I am talking about CLICK HERE. You don't want to miss this! I've gotten such great entries already. Honestly, your answers are FABULOUS and I am overwhelmed by the sheer size of it all!

Since good ole Google Analytics tells me that 84% of my readers are females mainly between the ages of 18-35 I'm going to go out on a limb and say that one of you have dated a bum. If you haven't I hate you, GTFO. Just kidding but really, I do hate you. I feel like a bum magnet.
I've been told that I make myself emotionally unavailable but physically available. Don't go making those tisk-tisk sounds I don't sleep with everyone. I tried that, it didn't work for me. Apparently I'm one of those girls who needs an emotional connection with someone. But I rarely find it. Hence the bums. Apparently the only people that find me attractive are the ladies (sorry girls not into it) or jobless, carless, still-lives-with-mommy-and-she-still-does-my-laundry-and-cuts-the-crust-off-my-sandwiches-which-she-also-makes type. That kind of bum. I understand what my friend was saying and it's totally true. I do make myself emotionally unavailable. I've been hurt a lot and I'm really good at being alone. Like, uni-bomber-isolation-I-had-imaginary-friends-as-a-kid-instead-of-real-friends good. Not that I'm the uni-bomber, chill. But I am good at being alone until I need something that requires two people, usually. (Ferris wheels, double dates, that kind of thing - get your mind out of the gutter!) So yes, that makes sense.

But what happens when I'm ready to be emotionally available again? I switch off the "frigid bitch" mode and try and flip on "charming girl next door" mode and nothing happens except bums. Lots and lots of bums.

Guys who are in relationships with other women - MOVE ALONG DUDE. 

Guys who just got out of bad relationships and are more insecure than I am - KEEP IT MOVING. 

Guys who don't want to be exclusive - UGGGGGHHHSADJFHAJSDHFJHS!

I'm not saying I am perfect or some kind of wonderful. I haven't been in a relationship basically ever but I'm willing to try, to work it out to be a better person and be deserving of someone else's love and affection. I wouldn't consider that a deal breaking flaw. I'm in a healthy state of mind, I have a job, a car, a place to live and a great mind and heart. I'm not a super model. My hair sucks most of the time and half the time that I do wear make up guys say I look better without it - or they think I'm not wearing make up when I am. I'm not a size zero or even in the single digits. I'm perfectly ok with that. Except for when a really cute dress doesn't come in my size, then I get pissy. But I'm comfortable being me. I don't understand why I can't meet a guy with my standards? Why is this so difficult?

• Has a Job - NOT NEGOTIABLE. How can you not have a job in these times and expect me to want to date you? I support myself, so should you and if you can't then I'm sorry but I don't want to and can't be with someone who isn't in charge of their own financial stability. I don't want to pay for your movie EVERY single time we go out and your food and buy you things you want, ect. I've done it before and it just wasn't worth it. No sugar mama here.

• Has a Car or can get around without car for example has a bike or takes public transportation. Not because they can't afford a car (although I've been there too) but because it's good for the enviorment. Or not practical because you live in NYC and public transport is easier.

• Doesn't live with mom - GET OUT OF YOUR MOMS HOUSE. Seriously, does she still do your laundry too? Room mates are ok, everyone has those!

You know why these things are important to me? You have goals, ambition and drive. I like those things. Those are ATTRACTIVE to me. You value privacy and being the master of your own universe. I don't want to be making out with you on your bed and have your mom drop off your laundry in the middle of it. That's just not my idea of a good time and yes that happened to me. Twice. Two different guys too.

My friend used to joke that my prince charming was on his way he just got lost and you know guys he won't ask for directions.

So we drew him a map...

But seriously Prince Charming, just ask for directions at the gas station. They will tell you to follow the yellow dash road and you'll by-pass all that stupid shit you had to go through to get to me. Then we can live happily ever after forever and ever amen. *barf*

I'm not looking for the fairytale. I know that doesn't exist. It's not always hearts and flowers and butterflies. It's hard work. I'm willing to work hard for a long committed relationship. That's just where I am at right now. I am great alone but I want something more to fill my days than the useless drivel of work and crafting at home or blogging on the weekends. But don't worry Prince, I'm not leaving it up to you. I'm trying to find you too. It's just that no one drew me a map. All I've got are feelings and when I find you I'll know it. It's just taking me awhile.

What's the longest relationship you've ever been in?

Dear Santa....

 I was really good this year. I mean really good. I went from homeless to an apartment (better late than never right old guy).  I only overdrafted my bank once. I didn't go to jail, steal, kill anyone or get a ticket. I also only thought about killing people half as much as last year. I'd say that's a vast improvement in my badness level!

• Nikon D5100
• Camera Bag: Jo Totes Rose in Coral
• New Mac Laptop (Not picky, I'll even just take a hard drive upgrade for my current macbook)
• iPad (large, mini = not picky)
• iPhone 5 in Black

OR Gift cards in an denomination to these stores

• Lulus.com
• Nastygal.com
• Urban Outfitters
• H&M
• Forever 21
• Brambleberry.com
• Ulta
• Amazon.com
• Sephora
• Nordstrom
• Target
• Walmart
• UrbanOG.com

As I was saying Santa I've been really good and I had a pretty rough year. Any of this would help me out. Anything at all would help me out.

Love,
Sara

P.S.S: Not sure if you can bring people back from the dead but I'll take my grandpa in good health back over all of that stuff and never ask for another present ever again.

What did you ask Santa for this year?

Currently: Being Awesome

Loving;  I don't have much, just three blogs I'm loving. Click to be surprised and find out if it's you! 1 / 2 / 3

Reading;  I'm actually reading a book you guys. Legit reading. It's one I started on the plane back in August. I didn't really like it but then I decided to give it another try. I've only gotten like 3 pages farther in but I am determined to finish it. I should probably tell you about the book though right? It's called An Abundance of Katherine's by John Green. So far though, all I've got about this book is that this idiot (the book calls him a prodigy) will only date girls named Kathrine. He gets his heart broken again and goes on a road trip with his best friend and ends up in nowhere TN and then yeah that's as far as I've gotten. It doesn't look too promising but I gotta trudge through it. My goal is to finish it by the end of the year. LOL.

Watching; The news, because I'm at work. I'm actually trying to block it out.

Anticipating;  This weekend. I'm going to try and hit the movies to see Breaking Dawn. I'm wondering how many people realize that they changed the ending of the book for the movie? Brittany didn't quite realize it at first. I am glad for once. Breaking Dawn is probably the worst way to end a series - OF ALL TIME YA'LL. I mean the Twilight books, by perspective, are probably the stupidest books of all time but they resonate with some people. I identified with Bella in the third book and probably that whole messy emotional break down bit resonates with a lot of people but I was more into the love triangle I-know-I'm-hurting-you-and-selfish-but-I-can't-stop-being-an-asshole thing. You know, real stuffs. But I'm going, even if I have to go it a lone. It would be ironic. I went and saw the first movie by myself so maybe I should go to the last one solo as well?

Listening to; I have a playlist that I'm listening to. Yeeeaaaah so I CREEP, just keep it on the downlown because nobodies supposed to know. CREEP.

Planning; Moving. Oi. This weekend my only break from packing up my books and clothes I don't wear is going to be going to the movies.

Working on; Trying to get some more bloggin' ideas. Not even going to lie to you guys, this whole NaBloPoMo is only half way done and I'm ready to call it quits. It's too much for me right now with everything going on to be doing so much promotion as well as posting. I'm also working on giving myself a pep-talk so I don't call it quits. Not going to well. Thoughts?

Wishing; I was in California already. Wishing I had lots of money to spend on Christmas because my cousins are coming out. Wishing I had a job and an apartment in California and that I wasn't such a brat and moved to Florida like an idiot because I would have had all of that by now. Time to go make it a reality and get some money made.

3 Reasons You Should Avoid Researching Your Family Tree

I thought a cool blog idea for NaBloPoMo would be to share with you some rich family history of mine. I have on my mothers' mothers' mother's side a famous (albeit for a terrible reason) ancestor. Colonel John Chivington, whom you can Wikipedia is my relative. My great-grandma's uncle apparently. He's famous for a shitty reason but basically he murdered a whole group of Cheyenne and Arapaho Indians at Sand Creek. Pretty brutally too. Like he and his troops were a bunch of sick people. Ick.

 He was also the  first Grand Master of Masons of Colorado. So that's good right? From what I've read women can't join (figures) but that there are a couple of branch offs that will admit only women (Order of the Amaranth). Maybe I'll join? Probably not.

Since he was in good with the Masons he's buried in Denver in this really cool cemetery that my gram and I visited when I was 16. First time I had ever been in a Mausoleum and it was pretty cool. He wasn't in it but whatever. So that's one reason to avoid researching your family tree, you know, obscure famous relative that's famous for a terrible reason.

I thought instead of just telling you all about Monsieur Murderpants I'd show you my family tree and how cool it is to be able to go back and trace your roots. You know because roots are important. Your family is what shapes you, helps refine who you are, ect. Well, if you're like me and you're not apart of the hunky-dory "perfect" family then there might be some, erm, holes in your history.

I've alluded to my troubled past before. On Friday I mentioned being abused and anyone who knows me personally knows it's not secret. My life is kind of sort of fucked up but isn't everyone's? I mean doesn't everyone have a skeleton or two that they aren't proud of or hate or just want to forget? I've got a few. I'm an open gal and even though I wanted to share my tree with you I can't. It's incomplete. So as you can see this would be one of the reasons you should avoid researching your family tree.

Let's go over what we have so far:

• Find an ancestor that is famous for a bad reason
• You don't know your family

So what do you guys think would be the real reason you shouldn't research your family history? Let's go with this final reason. It makes you sad.

My biological father, my "sperm donor" as I like to call him even though that's not really what he is, that's more a figurative term for him (sorry test-tube babies!) was abusive. He will hence forth referred to as Abusive Dad. He abused my mother and sister, drove my sister to run away, forced my mom and I into countless battered women's shelters and almost killed my mother. Issues much?

Anyways I have all this knowledge of my mom's side of the family, all these stories but from him? Nothing. I don't know if his parents were only children, I don't know my cousins and I barely know my half-sisters. I might be Mexican royalty or something (half-sisters say we aren't) but if I was I won't ever know because I'm terrified of anything related to him.

I barely was able to piece together him, his brother and sisters and my grandparents before I was out of clues. And let me assure you, the entire half hour it took to simply input EVERYTHING about my mom's side of the family was the same amount of time it took me to find just my grandma Esther's death record and I knew all of that information.

I am furious. I didn't even know I felt this way. It was like I hit a trip wire I didn't know was there and this emotional bomb has gone off. I feel like a part of me is missing. There's a giant hole in who I am and I wasn't even aware of it! Talk about thinking you know someone huh? But this hole wouldn't be there if my entire life I wasn't terrified to have any contact with anyone he knew because he could find me.

This is why you don't go on ancestry.com, because.... EMOTIONAL BOMBS YA'LL. Anyways, moral of this story is I discovered more about myself and my emotional problems than I ever thought necessary. So much so that this little Grizzly had to call her Mama Bear and talk her through her emotional psychosis. She reminded me that Abusive Dad loved me, that it was his only redeeming quality and she stayed because I was safer with him than if she ran with me. That he would repeatedly try to kill her to have me all to himself. I shudder to think what my life would have been like with him. It was no cake walk with my mom but at least I knew she loved me. At least I knew Best Dad Ever loved me and could never doubt it and I wasn't even his real child.

So there you have it, three reasons to avoid looking up your ancestry, to avoid digging up old graves because you might not like the skeletons you find or the emotions you feel when you find them. I'm putting these bones to rest.

P.S: I honestly thought about not publishing this. But then I realized that there are probably a bunch of people like me. People who had horrid pasts, who might need someone to talk to. I'm here for you. My e-mail address is there and you can reach out any time. You are never alone. There's about 7 billion people in this world and that number is growing every day. The odds are in your favor that one of those people have experienced or are experiencing the same thing. It helps to talk. I call my mom or talk to my friends or I blog about my issues.

 You are never without a friend, I'm only an e-mail away.

Irrational Thought Patterns & Dream Homes

Do you have a dream house? What's it like? The other day my co-worker and I whilst contemplating the impending doom that is one of us is leaving the country because our choice for President was not elected, we discovered we had something in common. We are both novice doomsday preparers! We started talking about living off the fat of the land and all that back to nature bullshark so many drone on and on about. But that's totally my cup of tea.

Credit: Canty Shanty

I want to build an affordable ecologically friendly but naturally sustainable fortress in the woods on a huge plot of land. One fully prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse or the decline of civilization as we know it. You know, whichever one happens first.  I want to be able to dance in the woods naked around a bon fire should I so choose. Like that's how footloose and funky free I want to be on my plot of land with my zombie resistant housing. I'm a little nut-so, I know but I like it. So whatever. I want to have to have my own little plot of land in the woods and just chill out.

I found one house from Mekaworld.com thanks to Elycia that I absolutely love.

 I could totally plop this on a plot of land and live here. It's just under $200,000 to purchase and I'd only have to find a contractor to set up the foundation, plumbing and electric. So if their fee is 10% I just spent $220 grand on a really awesome home in the woods. Just gotta find a 2-5 acre spread near water and I'll probably have a really cool house for under a half million dollars. Not too shabby right?

But in all seriousness, an ideal house for me has to have these four main components:

1. It has to be by water. I'm not going to spend my entire life paying for something that isn't near water. I like the sound of running water. The beach calms me and I'd need a water source at the end of the world.
2. It must be made of sustainable material. I need it to last. I also need it to be economically friendly since I'm going to be shelling out a lotta moula for the place to begin with but on top of that utilities! 
3. Cute because I'm not going to live in some ugly pothole that I'm paying half a million or more for. No freaking way man.
4. Multi-level. I've always wanted a big house with multi-levels. Just like being by water isn't negotiable, neither is this.

So whenever I get really bored I like to draw floor plans for houses I'll never build or own it's my thing. And with this whole "dooms day preparer" conversation from a few hours previous I found myself thinking possibly irrationally. I'm not a snazzy architect. My dad was a carpenter, a really good one and every now and then he'd be drawing a housing floor plan so he taught me a bit. But I was young, I just wanted to spend time with him. I'm no pro, but I know the in's-and-out's. I wanted to make sure I was drawing the opening for a door or something right. I tried looking up some floor plans to compare. I searched for "affordable ecological and sustainable housing floor plan" in Google. I found a pretty neat website that had a lot of floor plans and since this is my "perfect dwelling" we are talking about here I skip straight to the 2-story 3+ bedroom floor plans.

Stillwater Dwellings
Can I add that my favorite movie is Almost Famous,
and the band in that movie is called Stillwater?
Can this house come with Jason Lee singing Feverdog?
No? Alright fine.

As I'm going through these I realize a pattern in my thought process. I'm looking at these and going "Ok, good bedroom placement. I like the closet. Oooo I like the idea of a mudroom, I can make my soap in there!" and various other juicy tidbits right. Then I come across one and in my head I'm going 'No, I'd never live in this house because the master bedroom is in the back, the kids rooms are too far away and I'd never be able to get to them in time if some crazed lunatic tried to come in the front door and kill them' and I wonder, is this thought pattern rational or irrational?

Like, who else thinks shit like that? I have always been protective of people that I love and care about. I was abused for much of my life and I have developed a fighter mentality. I had to, to survive and I guess that has never gone away but instead of picking fights with other people I spend my energy protecting people who can't protect themselves. You know, I do for others what no one did for me. This is the psychologist in me talking of course. But I study serial killers and watch horror movies, I study martial arts and know my basic self-defense. I've taken a gun course, I'm pretty handy with a knife. I've looked into learning fencing so I can fight with a sword. You know, weird shit many might deem useless but I'm into it.

Also, if I can't have a cabin in the woods by water I want this shiznit:

Zombie-Proof House

So this is basically a glimpse inside my head. These hair brained schemes are what go through my head when I'm left to my own devices. This is why I work and blog and make soap. Because my brain is kind of scary so I have to keep it busy.

What does your dream home look like?

Could you live in something like these?