I'm Your Emotional Fluffer!

Yesterday while watching New Girl I learned the term "Fluffer." When Jess asked Nick to explain he used the analogy of a "porn fluffer" and I was still confused. I turned to my BFF Brit while we were watching this and said "WTF is a fluffer?"

She shrugged. Then Nick went on to say "you know that keeps the emotions flowing..." Ohhhh, I get it now. Fast forward to this morning. I get a text from a guy I, ugh, in a way feel like I moved to Florida for. Not entirely but the appeal of him helped motivate me to coming. It was just another "pro" to add to my column. It actually turned out to be a "con" in the end and the next part of this is an open letter to him. This guy who was a Nice Guy and just had some issues. He was honest, he communicated, he was smart and he was flattering. All positives to have in a guy right? Well, read on to find out how such a "Nice Guy" really just ended up being a "Seemingly Nice Guy" rather than what he was cracked up to be.

And so we talked via text for the next hour or so making awkward conversation in short sentences. He asked me about my photography, I told him my camera was broken. I asked him about his writing and he told me about the article he was writing. Then our conversation fizzled and since he started out the whole thing by saying we never talk I felt obligated to keep the conversation going to see what he wanted. Then I told him I was moving back to California. This sparked more conversation because he was shocked and asked why, said he didn't want me to go, when did I decide this, yada yada yada. So I told him, dude you missed my birthday you missed my grandpa dying and you knew how much he meant to me, how is it shocking to you that I'd want to move back and more than that how are you upset that I didn't tell you? Where have you fucking been these past 9 months? Oh that's right, with everyone else but me. My so-called friends don't give a rats ass about me here - as in NO ONE showed up to my birthday party including my best friend and room mate. I haven't seen Seemingly Nice since January and that's not just due to bad circumstances. I told him straight up that there was no chance. We'll most likely never see each other again and after a time we will completely lose touch and our lives will go on but they will go on apart. This caused a big fuss but I simply told him it was over. Our friendship, everything, gone. We are acquaintances, someone we used to know but that's it. It's not a bad thing it's just kind of awful but that will pass.

I had to do this. I can't be a fluffer for anyone. I cannot come second. I had to do this for me because I have been everyone's fall back since the dawn of time. It has to stop and it has to stop now. I have to be strong and stop being nice because that's not what people respond to. People respond to my bitchiness, they respond to my lack of sensitivity in fact I'm renowned for it amongst my friends. Perhaps I've gotten soft, like a flacid penis. It would make sense, no one wants ol' floppy hanging around. Maybe me being soft or comparing myself to a floppy dick makes people uncomfortable. GOOD. It makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to disappoint anyone but it has been a long time since anyone asked me about something besides fashion or make up tips. I used to be the Dear Abbey of my friends and now I'm just "hey where can I get make up samples" and "How do you get your eyeliner to flare out like that?" and that makes me sad. I like being those things but I like being Dear Abbey too. I like to be trusted with your dark and dirty secrets and I like knowing about your problems, helping you get through them because that's what I do. Helping you through your problems helps me get through mine. I need to be needed but in am emotional capacity. Not a physical one and that's what's wrong with this picture. That was what was wrong with Seeminly Nice. He took it to a dark place. He needed me for evil and not for good. It was to better himself but at the expense of his girlfriend and of me, his friend. That's not cool. So I write the following to you and "Nice" guy's everywhere:

Dear Seemingly Nice,

Please do not think that I mean this in a gentle way. I mean this in the bitchest bitch way possible. DO NOT flirt with me if you have a girlfriend.

Do not ask me to text you pictures of myself. Also, don't pretend like you meant a picture of my face because "it's beautiful" you clearly meant you wanted dirty pictures, which I have none and will never take. Do not ask to hangout as friends and spend the whole time saying ridiculous things like "We look cute together" or "I bet those people thought we were a couple" because that's just trying to toy with my emotions and it doesn't do positive things for me. It actually makes me scream "You have a girlfriend, don't say shit like that. We are friends." at you in public. Thus embarrassing you. This obviously means we could never be together because I do that shit all the time.

Finally, do not get mad at me when I fall for you against my will and then tell you that you either leave your girlfriend or you stop texting/talking/hanging out with me. This was the end game all along. You cannot have your cake and eat it too, not where I am concerned. If you want to flirt with me, DUMP YOUR GIRLFRIEND. You are obviously not as happy in your relationship as you claim to be. If you were you wouldn't be texting me telling me that you miss me and wonder where I have run off to. I ran away to save myself more emotional heartache. I did myself and your girlfriend a favor by fucking off because this is how things are with me. I don't share well. How I passed kindergarten was that I could spell my name, read at a 3rd grade level and do multiplication and division problems in the double digits ok? I don't want to be your "side chick" and I don't want to be your "fluffer," some emotional cheerleader to get your fix so you can go back to your girlfriend and pretend like everything is awesome again.

Don't text me after you have a "date" with your girlfriend. Obviously something is missing. Your brain, your heart and my inability to just tell you to fuck off. This is partly my fault. I'm lonely so I like the attention. I'm not ashamed or afraid to admit that. Girls have needs too and my needs include being the only girl a guy is interested in when I am interested in him. You do not fullfill that need and you actually never have. So please, confront your own emotions and needs and leave me out of it until you're single. And even then, this whole experience has turned me off from you. All those positive qualities you have are just tainted now. You are being a shitty boyfriend to your current girlfriend even if you haven't officially cheated, you are still trying to goad another girl. If you can do that to your girlfriend of however many years (I think you said three?) then you most certainly would turn around and do it to me. I do not tolerate that shit. I will go ghetto on you and it will be painful for you and messy for me and I'd like to avoid jail time because stripes and/or orange jumpsuits are not flattering on me. Just, go away.

Never Yours,
Sara-The-Ex-Fluffer.