I wish that I could feel what I feel for you with someone else.
You know, they say you can’t be in love with two people at the same time.
Perhaps this is why I have been alone for so long. Why none of my relationships work out. I want to feel this way with someone else. Someone who is real. You are just a fantasy in my head.
My heart swells when I see your face. Like I’m filling quickly with water and I’m about to burst. Like it will just boil over and then explode everywhere. But instead of it being morbid and groteque its like I’m going to puke rainbows, or little hearts. Butterflies don’t even come close. Butterflies elicit a softer emotion than what builds up in side my body every time I see your face.
Your voice is worse. Laughter? Forget about it, it kills me.
“Every day with you is like death and every morning I can’t wait to die.”
The smile in your voice is like angels singing and symphonies playing soft vibrant melodies in my ear and you saying my name, even in the most innocent of ways, is like the crescendo. I legitimately hear Bohemian Rhapsody play in my head. You know that part where it goes “is this the real life or is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide no escape from reality…” and then I think of you and I smile and I know that I light up a room. It isn’t easy for me to admit that but everyone can tell. The way I talk about you, the way I defend you…. I hope that it isn’t love because if it is I am in trouble.
I don’t want to feel this way. I always feel for people who don’t feel for me and I always get hurt because of it. That’s not fair. It is not fair to me because I can’t help who I like or love or feel for. No one can but I feel like if I could just get over you then I could feel this way about someone else. Unfortunately, I think my feeling this way for you prevents me from feeling it for anyone else. I don’t know how to stop. Advice?
Maybe I’m not supposed to stop. Perhaps I am doomed to love you or feel so violently for you for the rest of my life. Maybe that is my lot but I don’t want to waste my life away waiting for something that will never happen. That’s not living and that’s not love. It’s been a long time since I’ve wanted to put myself in that kind of danger. When you let yourself love someone its the most vulnerable you can be. I’ve been close once. It wasn’t love but it was similar to this. I did things, I said things and I acted in ways that I am not proud of. I look back at how horrible of a person I was and the things that I did and I chalked it up, I reasoned and I justified it to myself that it was in the name of love. But just because I could justify it, didn’t make it right. I don’t want to be that person ever again. But I’m willing to feel that way, to get close to being that evil horrid person I swore I would never be again just for you. Because love is a lot of compromising and self sacrifice. It’s hard work, blood, sweat and tears and I want that. With you, for as long as I am able to have it.
But you don’t even see me and I’m not sure if that is a deal breaker or not. I guess because I’m pathetic and I have no one else bidding for my heart that for right now it’s not. But it will be someday. I think, I hope I could make you really happy, so I guess don’t wait too long or I will just disappear and you’ll never get the chance to love me. From what I’ve heard I’m pretty awesome.
I like the writing just not where I am coming from. Hopefully your post isn't as emo.
Where were you a year ago?
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