RIP Grandpa Lou

Today at work I looked down to see "Mom" appear on my screen. I knew it wasn't good. My mom knows better than to call me during work hours even if we are on different coasts. I looked at my co-worker and just said "I have to take this..." and when my mom sniffled instead of asking me if I was at work or busy like she usually does instead of "hello" I just said "Don't tell me..." to which she replied, "He's gone."

Holding hands in the hospital a year ago

The best man, the greatest human being I've ever known is no longer on this planet. The world was a better, kinder, lovelier place with him in it and it seems cruel to deny the world of such a beautiful person while other monsters are still plentiful. He lived for almost 94 years. Sheesh, we should be so lucky. I cry, I weep and I hurt for the world, for my grandma who is surely a mess and Gizmo the dog who loved him more than any human could.

Home from the hospital & Gizmo is already in his lap saying "pet me, I missed you."

Gizmo used to be our dog, but she met my grandpa and fell in love and he with her. She literally refused to go home with us. She barked when he fell trying to turn off the Christmas lights in the middle of the night and woke up my grandma to let her know. She also freaked out  right before he had a seizure (mind you she's not trained to do this. She's a tiny Pug/Pomeranian mix) and makes  made him laugh louder than we have had ever heard. It is so weird to write about him in the past tense. I kept making the mistake and then tried to fix it but no, it looks better that way. Let's not forget the videos I have of her whining and crying upon seeing him return from whenever we would take him to the doctors.

The utter agony I am experiencing I have really only experienced a few times before. I know it is selfish to want him here, that he was in pain and that he wanted to go many times before and that we kept him here. I know that he is happier and that he is at peace. This does nothing for my solace. This is an ache I feel beyond my bones, deep within my soul. Another man who didn't have to love me, who chose to love me has left me again. At least this time it wasn't by choice.

My mother said the priest came Monday and read him his Last Rights. My grandpa is was (Will I ever stop doing that?) extremely religious and very Catholic. Apparently, while Father was saying the words "repent of your sins..." the power went out and it made my grandpa cry. For once they said he was actually awake and very aware when Father was there.

Then today my grandma and my mom were talking to him and he was either asleep or awake, to be honest I was bawling too hard to hear correctly, that he just stopped breathing. My gramps has a DNR (do not resuscitate order. Basically means if he stops breathing they are to do nothing that would prolong his life) so they called hospice and my mom held his hand and told him it was okay to go, we'd be ok (as we had so many times within the last two years that he's been in and out of the hospital).

One of his many hospital stays. My grandma in the background making sure everything runs top shape.

We got him a stuffed dog for when he was in the hospital so he wouldn't miss Gizmo

Getting his feet done at the spa. He always thought it was silly because he couldn't feel his feet.

LEFT to RIGHT: My niece Hailey, My sister Roxanne and I with my Gramps for his 90th Birthday party / Family Reunion.

My grams always takes care of my gramps

More Las Vegas fun!

All us Beason's and then my Grandpa Lou in Solvang, CA.

My grandpa was always deep in thought. Always.

My uncle Rick consoling my gramps. He just wanted a beer, poor guy.

I told him to smile. He was eating pudding and getting it all over him so we put the bib on him. This was right before I left for Florida and one of the last times I ever got to see him. :(

When he first was bed ridden we got a lift so we could lift him off the hospital bed and into the wheel chair for doctors appointments and he thought it was a ride of some sort. He started going "weee!" So I took pictures.

LEFT to RIGHT: Cleo, Jason, Denise, Ken and my grandpa. My grandpa never had children, but he did have a nephew, a great-niece and a great nephew and a great-great niece. Four generations of Petrulis's in this photo.

I will miss you every day Gramps and I promise you that I will try to live every day the way you did. With love, happiness, generosity and kindness that knows no bounds and even though I may have cause to I will just smile and say "can't complain" just like you did. I love you, always.

So looks like I'll be taking off to Los Angeles next week. I guess I won't miss a birthday with my mom after all (this would have been the first in 19 years) even if it is a shitty reason. It won't be all saddness. I plan on eating lots of In N Out, testing out a lot of waterproof make up and taking tons of photos. iPhone photography galore! I hope I can meet up with a few friends while I'm there too.