Raise Your Hand If You're Not Helping

Helpful kitty is not helpful!

I feel like ranting right now. This is my blog, I can do that. So I'm gonna.

There's this whole boy thing. One particular boy and one particular "relationship" (let's use that term loosely). Now, I fucked up royally. I truly did. I don't know if I shared too much or not enough. Either way, yeah that was my bad. I kind of want to just speak to that person right now because I did a lot of thinking over the weekend and this is just really, it's been on my mind for a while and I gotta get it out somewhere where someone will read it. And probably judge me. Whatever.

I don't know what happened with us. I feel like I fought for you. Actually, I did. You went from being Sci-Fi Cutie to having a name. From me trying to stick around work longer because you were reading and making sure every one of my co-workers knew to pass you off to me when I was working, to you coming in to ask me every Tuesday if there were any new science fiction books worth reading. Then I did it. I asked for your e-mail to add you on Facebook - because telephone number sounds too much like I'm asking you out (too shy to do that) and no one uses myspace anymore. Then I asked for your friends too because I couldn't leave him out and make it still look like I was only interested in being your friend. I should have just asked for your number. I should have. I didn't. Rookie mistake. I'd never asked a guy out or for his information before. I always waited for the guy and this time I thought 'no I'll be a woman of the 21st century and ask you!' But then I added you and you sent me a message (wow, this feels so much like high school) and it was all over. I'm pretty sure I asked you to the movies and when you said yes I remember changing 15 million times, going through everything in my closet and even going into my mom's room to see if she had stolen anything of mine or if anything of hers would do. Then I got there and you paid for my ticket and opened doors and let me pick the seats. You sat through a horrible movie with me and didn't mind. You also didn't mind my insentient talking that I do, well, I was going to say when I'm nervous. But really it just happens if I'm awake. You respected my no touching rule and asked me for a hug when we parted. I loved that. And this was our relationship for a while. Texting, facebook, movie dates, you coming into work to see me and so on. 

Until the Ren Faire. That was just, never drink the mead kids. Just don't do it. It will jack you up quicker than you know it and make you do things you wouldn't normally do. Like kiss a guy when you promised yourself to not make the first move. Because that's fair right? I asked you to hang out, asked for your information making it obvious that I liked you. So in turn, if you liked me YOU would kiss ME. But no, because mead messes with your head. So I get drunk and go on and on about how awesome you are to your friends (I'm laughing at the memory of that) and then make friends with random strangers in the bathroom and then when I'm too drunk to walk you carry me and sit with me in the backseat and that's when I reach my worst.  I kissed you. I didn't remember it at first. Not until you asked me to your house to meet your parents and hang out for Memorial day. 

I remember that day like it was yesterday. You made me just walk into your house. I HATE doing that. Answer the damn door I said but you refused and so I shakily turned the knob to some strangers house and prayed that you'd be on the other side waiting to laugh at me. Laugh because I was terrified I had the wrong house. Terrified someone would stab me with a knife for entering their house but what I should have been terrified of was behind your door. I open it and your mother peaks her head around the corner and knows me instantly even though we never met. And she knows I don't like to touch people so she offers me her hand. I am floored. You talked about me? To your mother? Oh Lordy. I am flooded with "HI's!" and "Hello! Have a drink!" and thankfully I see familiar faces from the Ren Faire and they are already wasted worse than I was then so I don't feel so bad. But no one told me it was a pool party (and it was much too cold with the wind anyways). I had no clue your house was so massive. Then you introduced me to your dad and the awkwardness was worse because you looked just like him only he was like 6 foot tall and said he didn't care if I didn't like to be touched, this was a hugging family. Then he not only hugged me but picked me up off the ground. OI! After a few beats it was like I was part of the whole group. Until my being a vegetarian came up and everyone freaking out because there was nothing I could eat except vegetables and your mom feeling bad for it. That was a really good day. I thought it was a great day actually. Even when your mom said that I needed to come around more so that you would stop playing World of Warcraft so much and her dismay that I played too. And how hands on you were with me. I didn't mind it so much anymore. I actually wanted you to hold my hand or put your arm around me. I was 100% fine when you had your hand on my leg. It's strangers who unnecessarily touch me that I am phobic of and I've always hated hugs. I'm not a hugger.

But then you dropped a bomb on me. You wanted to know why I was so embarrassed upon being reminded that I kissed you. You wanted to know why it was bad and I couldn't answer. I couldn't answer without making things heavy and I was trying desperately to avoid it. Because people had told me that was my problem in relationships before. That I was just too much, too intense too soon and too emotional. So I was trying to avoid being clingy, needy and emotional. I was trying to keep it light. I shouldn't have. I should have told you then that I didn't want to kiss you first, that I wanted you to kiss me because I was terrified. Terrified of liking or caring for someone else more than they cared for me and if you kissed me first that meant that my feelings were ok.

And then you wanted to meet my crazy family and I was against it. I fought it off for months. Until I had more family visiting and you wanted to meet them. And then my grandpa got sick and it was just this mess but you still wanted to know my crazy asshole family. So I let you meet them. And then you split. Literally. You left and you barely spoke to me and then you just stopped. I tried to keep in contact but I had my own issues. And I still laugh that you hadn't spoken to me in a month yet were upset when I got kicked out that I didn't come running to you. I'm sorry, were we talking? You had no clue what I was going through. So I was going to randomly show up at your parents house at 10pm with all my stuff in my arms, crying because I had no where else to go. Did you really misjudge me and how proud I am? I would never do that. Never in a million years have I or would I ever run to a man with my problems. I can't even run to my mom or my grandma with my problems half the time and they are the closest people to me. Fuck, they are family!

And we haven't spoken since then, except a few times on facebook but it is always cold and detached. Like you regard me with as much civility as required and nothing more. Do you hate me for something? What, for not letting you sweep me off my feet? For being stupid? Ok I get that. But I still think of you all the time and I still wonder if maybe I would have tried harder to stay in California had things between us been different. If maybe we were still talking or maybe if I had said to you I got kicked out. Maybe if I wasn't so proud would I have crashed at your parents. But we'll never know that.

I still wonder though, when I move back will it be different? Will I be able to say exactly what I've written here, that it isn't over for me and I want to know what happened or if we could possibly try again?

I just, I had to expel all that word vomit that has been plaguing me. I was talking to him on facebook yesterday and Brit noticed the whole change in my mood and knew it was a boy. Obviously, I only get googly-eyes for a few people when my phone lights up and when I denied it being my usual she got curious and dug it out of me. Insert more BFF judging here.

One of the things I love about Brit is her bitchy ways. But we are two dominate personalities living under a tiny roof and sometimes we just clash. We've always been this way. We get catty and petty and we just brawl until we're basically hugging each other and apologizing. Only it never looks like that. We're like dudes in that way. We never really say we're sorry to each other we just kind of know the other one is sorry. We never say it. Kind of like we know we care about the other one but we just never say it. Neither of us are the mushy type - unless it's Ivory. She's always the exception.

But sometimes I just look at her and I go "raise your hand if you're not helping" because sometimes the things she says are mean and judgmental and rather than fight with her because I'm dealing with something heavy I just tell her that she's not being helpful. It's the only time were we actually communicate effectively. I know it sounds odd but our friendship is only something we can understand. Actually, no, just kidding, I don't understand it at all. But whatever.

So yesterday she actually did the BFF thing and helped me realize that I just need some closure and that's why this is bugging me so much. I never got that. Everything is unresolved and I know that is my fault. I was trying to be something I'm not. Maybe I needed to be me and to be heavy and he'd either deal with it or he wouldn't and then at least I would know where I stand. I won't make that mistake again.

Phew, thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Back to my regular scheduled blogging tomorrow!

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